My missing puzzle piece

As some of you may know – we  have been trying for baby #3 for the last two years.  Baby # 3 has been on my heart before baby #1 and 2 were in my ams. I knew before I was married that I wanted three. As a California girl – I saw way too many families stop building their families once they reached 2. Perhaps it is because it is so expensive to live there. Perhaps it was the new American dream … 2 kids, a dog and a picket fence. All I knew was no one was going for that 3rd baby anymore. And as the baby of 3 kids in my family – it made me sad. NO WAY was I stopping at 2.  And so, 10 years ago, my motto was born.

 

“IF THERE WAS NO 3… there would be no ME”

 

After my son was born it became obvious that IVF inevitably would be our only route to building our family. After 2 failed attempts at baby #2… the financial burden  that IVF was putting on my family was too much…  we could not afford to live in California and pay thousands of money on IVF and still give Hayden what he deserved.. a nice home, a safe neighborhood and a good school. So, I did what any sane woman desperate for children would do. We moved out of California. We chose Dallas since my husband has an office here and it was in between both coasts, where both of our families lived.

We were fortunate that the 3rd attempt to have a baby resulted in Emerson.When I gave birth to this 6 lb 13 oz bundle of spunk and they wheeled me out of L&D… I remember looking behind me towards my husband and laughing… ” YOU ARE SCREWED>>> THIS is the best thing I have ever done” – You see – my husband is a frugal man.. .and while Emerson grew in my belly for 9 months , he began his plight. The plight of convincing me that I didn’t need that 3rd. In his world…We had a boy, a girl and a dog… .Wasn’t it time to move on. For the next two years – he tried in vain to convince me to be done. He offered the fanciest of jewels and over -the-top lavish vacations… and I responded simply by purchasing a mini-van for my ever growing brood…. Those who know me know what a huge statement this was… Lets just say you don’t need a mini-van if you are only planning on having two kids.. When Emerson turned 1.. I told my hubby – we will start trying for #3 in year and if he still wasn’t feeling it – we should probably start therapy. I wasn’t willing to give up and he was scared what IVF would mean to us financially while we were still recovering from the last IVF. Emerson turned 2  – It happened to be 3 months after I started my business where I had now  found myself in the trenches of learning ALL things photography. .. and for a while… I wondered – was this my missing piece. Perhaps my business was my baby #3. I mean it did feel like I had given birth to a new baby. … I never mentioned this to Dan. I knew that if  he smelled the scent of doubt from me , he would run with it. Unfortunately,what happened when I started my business though was that we incurred DEBT… MASSIVE .. UGLY Debt! No chance in starting IVF this year…. and so I thought to myself as I struggled to be an A-list mom and run a business… If I can’t do this the way I imagined I should be.. then I am not ready to have another baby.  So the idea of baby #3 quietly floated through Emersons 2nd year.  As we neared Emersons 3rd birthday… I started to get nervous.. .I was tired from working non-stop. I now felt like a D-list mom as my husband had taken over so many of my roles….but my heart… my heart said… “this will be your biggest regret”… My heart said…”You are not done”.  So after many heated discussions (oddly enough – very similar to the heated discussions when I said I wanted to start a business) My husband realized how important this was to my life. He realized there wasn’t a price to put on something that fills your heart like another child.

 

And… so we started… We faced TREMENDOUS Heartbreak in June 2012, We found hope in November 2012. Despair reared it ugly head  in January 2013. Emerson turned 4. I became scared .. Maybe I had made a mistake by waiting. Maybe this is it. Would I ever find peace with not having baby # 3.   I am not ready for what other moms know as “me time”. My happiest place is my  kids overrunning my bed and stealing my sleep as they peacefully snore in the crook of my arm. I also found that running a photography business was becoming  harder and harder. How could I photograph someone else’s joy – when I felt so much sadness? So I took a step back .. and photographed my children. I have always stayed true to my journey  and at this point my smile was found when I chased my children’s happiness. I kept to myself as I focused every ounce of who I was on my kids.

 

In April we built our hopes up again.  Our IVF cycle was a dream cycle we had 8 embryos make it to a day 5 blastocyst. All 8 were biopsied and then frozen. While the  biopsies were sent off  to a lab in Chicago. We waited for the phone call to tell us which ones we should transfer.  The phone call came and the news was devastating. The lab had  received the biopsies and the biopsies were ruined due to faulty buffers.  So here we had 8 beautiful embryos and no information. Our RE: was so heartbroken for us and we struggled with what to do. We decided our only option was to unthaw,   re-biopsy and refreeze these 8 perfect embryos.  We knew the company would inevitably pay for another cycle.. .BUT I didn’t want another cycle.. I wanted this cycle. Even the Dr. said this was a dream cycle.   In the Re-biopsy 3 Embryos did not make it…. BUT 5 did…. and so we waited. We soon got the call that we had 2 that we could transfer.  We were over the moon.. but knew we had the hurdle of these Embryos making it through another thaw…. time when a lot of embryos just don’t make it. We showed up  bright and early and they showed us a photo of our little beans… they both had made it. While I couldn’t comprehend either one of these babies sticking after what they had been through.. I still had to have hope. We have kept the kids in the loop throughout this journey. My son especially – has been asking us to have more kids for a while. I also figured it was good for him to see me get shots.. since he is normally the only one in the family getting shots every other day.  The night of the transfer he slept with the picture of the embryos. He prayed every night…

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Fast forward 8 weeks… 8 weeks filled with little hurdles of doubling hormone levels, bleeding scares and finally finding the first heartbeat at 6 weeks 4 days… a strong 120.  I smiled as my husband grilled the nurse… “Was there one heartbeat or two”… “Are you sure there isn’t anything else up in there”.

While Dan would have had a minor heart attack at the thought of twins… I would have been over the moon with twins.

Ohhhh TRUST ME… I had my motto ready for that one

          “If there is no 3 there would be no me.. .but heck… whats one more and let’s  just make it 4”

  We kept the news from the kids as we waited on more ultrasounds (second heartbeat a solid 140)  and bloodwork. Like any mom … you dream of how you will tell the world… Well I dreamed of how I would tell my children. I asked myself.. What did this baby mean to me… and it is simple. It is my last missing puzzle piece.

 

So on my Birthday – on Monday. We called the kids into my office for a family meeting. I assertively announced that since we were leaving soon to drive to California,it was important for us work together as a team. We wanted them to show us that they could be a team and put this puzzle together.  We saved the last two pieces of the puzzle – which contained the word baby… and watched as they attempted to put together this puzzle. Have you ever put together a Black and White puzzle… not as easy as you would think….Neither is shooting your kids while trying to be present in the moment. PINTHIS

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AND so there you have it 2 years in the making, but 10 years in the heart… The Labianca family  (god willing)  will be welcoming a new bundle of joy on Feb. 8th 2014.  Throughout the last 5years of trying to build my family one thing has always rang true for me. When I was scared and unsure of what to do… I always just had to ask myself one simple question.

 

IS MY FEAR BIGGER THEN MY DESIRE

Which emotion would I choose to give  power to. Which emotion will I allow control my destiny.

I am happy to say…DESIRE …won this particular  life  battle.

While I know I still have 8 more months of growing this precious baby – and I know that life can still throw some nasty curve balls… I will choose to focus on TODAY – and today we are blessed.

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