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Happy birthday to my guy. 13 years ago our world was rocked – all 9 lbs 6 oz. of you came into this world and I felt like the luckiest mama in the world and then 5 days later it felt like my world had crashed around me – as we learned you had hemophilia. Your dad and I laid in that hospital bed and held onto each other – unsure of what your future looked like. I am going to be honest…. behind the fake smiles the ones that portrayed strength – the smiles that protected everyone else from feeling sorry for us -from feeling sorry for you.
Behind those smiles, I was broken and devastated – this wasn’t what I “signed” up for when I decided to become a mom. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go when I became a mom…. and in those early days as I secretly mourned your diagnosis – I felt guilt and anger which was followed with shame. People would try and say the right things and then end up saying the cliched “God doesn’t give you more then you can handle – and on the outside I would smile politely – but on the inside I would scream “ WHAT CHOICE DO I HAVE BUT TO HANDLE THIS” I struggled alone with my thoughts – and so we walked … everywhere and anywhere – all throughout the streets of Hollywood – from Beverly Hills to The Grove. Just you, me and your blue stroller …
We would walk everywhere as I tried to make peace with this new and scary reality. And then at 2 months – you smiled – for the first time you saw me and really smiled and I looked at you in that very moment and said …”Done” … If I couldn’t stop crying about your diagnosis – how could I raise a child who wouldn’t cry and feel sorry for himself – and just like that I was Done. – Because of you – I knew I was going to become an even better mother. Yes in times – I still cried – When you went into get your port at 15 months – I curled up into the waiting room chair and sobbed. When boxes of medicine arrived on our doorstep and reality smacked me in the face – I cried “how are we going to ever do this” . when you cried as I held you down every other day so your dad could access your port and infuse you with this life-saving factor. Tears would stream down my face and land on your hair as I tightly held your arms down. When you got your first bleed – because during one of our walks – I was walking so fast and hit a pothole in the street and it jarred you enough so that your stroller seatbelt caused a collarbone bleed. Then there was that one time – when I realized that the bruises you had all over your body – bruises simply from my fingers that grabbed you before you fell down- as I always had to be one step ahead of you falling and getting hurt – those bruises looked as if I had beat you – and I so I called CPS and through falling tears begged to be put into a system that says “ this child has hemophilia and his mother would never lay a hand on him – she loves him more then life” – I literally begged someone to put that in a system – they never did.
This journey hasn’t been easy – but you have taught me so much about learning to have faith. Learning to be present in the now – not to worry about the “what ifs” – ok so I still worry – but hey – that is in my job description. Simply put – you amaze me – you always have. You are older then your years – and maybe thats because you have had to be more responsible then your peers. You make parenting so easy – that at times when you give a little attitude – I kind of love it and want to give you a high five. You love your sisters in a way I never knew brothers could. Being my first kid – you have paved the way for your sisters and are an incredible example of how it’s possible to create your dream world – if you want it bad enough. YOU are a 1/4 of what creates my dream world and watching you find success as you get older brings so much joy to my life. Thank you for teaching me that being a parent doesn’t mean controlling every aspect of your life – instead it means to support and guide you as you find your own way and create your own story.
So — on this day I am reminding of the song – the words that lifted me up when I decided to embrace this new reality and take it one day at a time.
Feels Like Today – Rascal Flatts
Woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me that I can’t explain
Like a weight that I’ve carried
Been carried away, away
But I know something is coming
I don’t know what it is
But I know it’s amazing, can save me
My time is coming
And I’ll find my way out of this longest drought
It feels like today I know it feels like today
I’m sure it’s the one thing that’s missin’
The one thing I’m wishin’
Life’s sacred blessin’ in me
It feels like today I know
Feels like today
You treat life like a picture
But it’s not a moment that’s frozen in time
It’s not gonna wait
Til you make up your mind, at all
So while this storm is breakin’
While there’s light at the end of the tunnel
Keep running towards it
Releasing the pressure, that’s my heartache
Soon this dam will break
It feels like today I know it feels like today
I’m sure it’s the one thing that’s missin’
The one thing I’m wishin’
Life’s sacred blessin’ in me
It feels like today I know
Feels like today
Feels like, feels like your life changes
Feels like, feels like your life changes
It’s the one thing that’s missin’
The one thing you’re wishin’
Life’s sacred blessin’
It feels like today I know
Feels like, feels like your life changes
Feels like, feels like your life changes