I figured I would follow-up the last post with this one.  As many of you have followed my journey into the world of photography – you see the images but  don’t know what goes on behind the scenes. What I have realized since starting this new endeavor is that photography is so much more than just a picture.  I knew that the photographs I was taking were providing happiness for my clients/ friends… but what I recently realized is that they represent more than just happiness.. it can bring you back to a place where life was easier… where life was perfect. .. and sometimes that doesn’t always bring happiness.. it can sometimes come with sadness.  It is a dynamic that had  never occurred to me until recently.  Ollie is Mimi’s sweet baby boy. He was my first maternity shoot, my first newborn shoot . Being a part of his introduction into this world was a gift that I didn’t take lightly. I knew that Mimi would cherish these pictures as this was going to be her last baby. What we didn’t realize was the road that Ollie was about to embark on. These past two weeks have been filled with hope, despair, sadness and finally hope again.  After heading into surgery to correct congenital cataracts two weeks ago – it was discovered that Ollie’s world was destined to be one filled with darkness. My heart broke ! I hated that my friend  and her baby were having to go through this. All her dreams for his future had changed. Many people don’t know what that feels like – but I do. It is devastating to realize that your child is going to be different. That your child may feel pain for being “different”.  Mimi has been an amazing example of what the words strength, courage and optimism; mean. While she is entering unchartered territory filled with Dr. appointments, surgeries, waiting rooms, and  just plain waiting – I hope she realizes how unbelievably  strong she is.

Through Ollie’s Eyes

he will not see discrimination

he will not see beauty,  he will hear it

he will teach us to let go

teach us to imagine a world different from our own

teach us to know that in darkness there is light….if you choose to let it in.

The collage below was put together the week before Ollie was diagnosed

Everytime I go to Target Ms Ems first reaction is COOOKKKIIEEE… and then after she gets her free cookie from the bakery – her next demand is BABBBYY – at which point I ask “Do you want to go see the Babies”?? At which she replies ..”ookkaaay” – as If it was my idea. Surprisingly enough I had my camera around my neck so I thought why not  sit down on the floor and see the world through her eyes… I am glad I did. These pictures will make me smile some day.

This holiday used to cause such heartache in my life when I was younger.. I was a complete disaster when it came to the dating world and inevitably would screw up any relationship right before any big holiday.  So, needless to say Valentines day was not my favorite holiday… it was basically a day for me to acknowledge that I sucked at dating. Thank god – by the time I met my husband in Vegas I had realized what my big hang up was. How could anyone else think I was fabulous …unless I thought I was fabulous. It only took  27 years – but I finally got it and I have to thank … wait for it… drum roll please….. The movie “Office Space”. I watched that movie while I was practically homeless living in Playa del Rey… almost destitute since I spent every last dime from a inheritance. For some reason that movie made sense in my small little world. For years I had thought everyone else was fabulous and I was lucky to be with them and that soon they would realize that they were better then me and move on. All of a sudden after watching this movie.. .BAM -Wait.. they are lucky to be with  me too. Once I changed my perspective and started to believe in the core of who I knew I was – my career took off – I moved to NYC – settled into the most amazing relationship I had ever had (with my  now husband) – my friendships grew stronger – because I believed in myself. So thank you “Office Space” for changing my perspective. I am forever indebted to you…

Dear Emerson -

Happiest of Birthdays to my sweet baby girl! I can’t believe you are two years old. Exactly the amount of time that is took for us to welcome you into this world. So here is the beginning of your story and how you found your way into my belly and into our hearts.

When Hayden was almost two years old it was determined that I was a carrier for the hemophilia gene. Your daddy and I knew that we wanted to give our next born child the gift of not being a carrier of this gene. So after many tears and finally accepting that  IVF was our only option we started our new journey to trying to have another baby. During this time I endured weekly blood tests and daily injections  and eventually the unfortunate heartbreak of miscarriage. I crumbled – “I NEED A  FLIPPING BREAK – ENOUGH ALREADY!!”. However, I was determined not to let this break me.. Was my fear of another heartbreak going to be bigger then my desire to have another Child?  The answer was no. I knew I had to do IVF again and again – until I had my babies..so I picked myself up off the floor, looked at your daddy and said “I want this baby!! If we have to move to be able to afford our family then that is what we have to do”- We decided that Dallas (your daddy had an office here) was our only option since I had family here. I still remember that night like it was yesterday – We were looking for houses that night and planning our flight. A month later we were buying a house in Frisco, Texas and gearing up for Round 2 of IVF and more prodding and pricking. I still laugh as I think that my father-in-law (your Grandpa) drove me to the clinic to get the eggs taken out to be tested and how we must have looked to the other patients…like he was my sugar daddy.  For this round of IVF – I made the conscious choice to let go of everything that was out of my control. I didn’t want to know HCG numbers, egg counts, and even waited an extra week to get that pregnancy test. This time though those numbers were high and I knew that I was going to become a mom again.

We had put in a girl and a boy – and while I initially started out with a triplet pregnancy ( 1 egg split into two)  we lost the twins within two weeks and I was put on strict bed rest because the Dr. was afraid my body would miscarry you as well. I wasn’t afraid… I knew you were here for good. I felt it in the depths of my soul the same way I knew  in my heart you were my girl.  We went in for a CVS test at 11 weeks and when I got home and was resting – it felt like my water had broken. I was devastated as I thought to myself that I can’t go through this again . We were immediately rushed in for a ultrasound- and there you were. Your heart  was just pit pattering  away. The Dr. could only think that the water on the twins had broken – so they admitted me into the hospital fearful that I would miscarry all the babies. I knew once I saw your heart beating on that screen – that you were going to make it through.

Every kick I embraced and every roll you took I marveled at. I never complained about getting big… I knew  I was lucky to be getting big.You were my miracle – such a gift you had already given me. I get to be pregnant – something many  take for granted – I knew it was a privilege.

A day before you were to be induced you decided to make your grand entrance… and that you did – as my water broke while I was at the Nail Salon and ballooned in my too tight jeans that I was determined to wear until the end of my pregnancy.   3 1/2 hours later you made it into this world after only 3 pushes and me laughing at how I can’t wait to do this again. Your delivery is my happy place. It is where I go whenever I am afraid.

And that is where easy ends…… Girl you rocked my world. In the first two weeks- my mother-in-law mentioned colic and I about lost my mind. Eventually I started to wish you had colic  because at least that ends after 3-5 months. Oh no – you didn’t have colic despite the throw up and crying. The second you were back in my arms you were peaceful again. I was seriously loosing it and wondering to myself  ”Was I in over my head”?  But something happened at 6 months as I was trying to figure out how to raise you….I had a BAM (ie.a moment in time that changes your lifes direction)

After hearing my husband and sister say to me time and time again …”she is so YOU”….and in all honesty – kinda getting offended by it. I looked at you and said…”she is so ME” – and as I struggled to figure out what you needed I immediately asked myself- “Well than what does that mean?? Who was I when I was a kid”…and my immediate reaction was that I loved my mother. And in instant – I got it.. I understood. – You loved  me more than anyone ever has or will… Even more than Hayden does. He loves me but  he doesn’t “need” me the way that I was like  air to you.

In the second I made a choice -instead of being irritated and annoyed  that you only wanted to be with me and I could never get a break ( yes, you refused bottles your first year of life) – Which would in turn make you more needy of me and my attention ..(trust me –  I know first hand) I embraced your love – and I loved you with the same amount of frevour. I made sure to hold you close and tell you over and over again just how much I loved you and smothered you with kisses…. and slowly but surely your confidence in my love gave you more confidence for you to be “YOU” – and you are fantastic. You are full of life, spunk and independence.

I love our daily baths ( I know you pee in the water.. but I won’t tell a soul). I love that sometimes you can’t get close enough no matter how hard you try – its like you want to climb back into the womb. I love the relationship you and your Bo Bo have and how close you are becoming.You two are a team and I hope the relationship you build is one that lasts a lifetime. You are a rock star swimmer already ( Again- I think it is because you want to go back to the womb) at 14 months you were called a mermaid b.c you refused to walk but you were desperate to swim.When you wake up in the morning – We have to wait while you grab everything in your crib and hand it to us one by one… Blankie, baby, bookie… this can last a long time if you have 2 blankies, 3 babies and 2 bookies… but I smile as you proudly hand me each item. Seeing you try on high heels and attempt to walk in them has me holding my breath in fear for your life – you have now realized it is safer to walk with only one shoe on and that is what you do.  There is so much that I want to savor of this time in my life – I know you will soon not need us to get you out of bed and that I will hold onto these memories as they will become my new happy places.

So here you are my beautiful and spirited two year old. So determined to be bigger then you are – telling me to “go” – when I take you to pre-school.  I love that you will never doubt the amount of love we have for you. We now embrace all those special qualities b.c I know it was  those qualities that gave you that fighting strength when you were just in the womb.

And by the way – just so you know… since we share that same determined spirit -I think I can say with complete certainty just how amazing you are going to be . With the right guidance, love and support you are going to move mountains – I JUST KNOW IT!

Happy Birthday !

I love you with every ounce of my being!

- Mama

My Favorite “Emersonisms”

“Where da BO-BO go” – where is Hayden?

“MMEEEEEEE” –  Please

“Tane tu “- Thank you

“Happy” – Help Me

“Love Me” – I love you

I HOPE YOU ALWAYS EAT YOUR CAKE ANYWAY YOU WANT!

Many of my close friends know that my camera is near and dear to my heart these days…. probably at the irritance to some…BUT this is why! I love love love this picture! We were heading to lunch at Burger Girl and apparently they hire a petting zoo every Sunday.The day was gloomy day but  my homework assignment was to try and capture Catchlights (fancy word for seeing the light in the eyes). The assumption is that I would shoot my kids – but when I saw this llama – I knew that this was the shot I was looking for. As I am navigating my way through photoshop I am learning so much! Here is the SOOC (straight of the the Camera) shot taken with my 50 mm at 1/160 F/3.5 – ISO 200a little lackluster just a llama in a parking lot…after a little magic.

I did manage to catch a couple of more catchlights this weekend above and beyond this sweet llama..

Here is Blake.. Photo taken in a parking lot on another really gloomy day! But check out those Catchlights…

…

and here is Jayden on the same gloomy day taken inside her entry way… with the door open

Nikon 50 mm F/2.0 shutter speed 1/125 and ISO 320

So I would be lying if I didn’t say that I get insanely nervous every time before a photo shoot. While I get those one-on-one portrait shots my ultimate goal is to capture  their spirit….. which makes my style of photography so much more pressure filled. The day before this shoot – I had to start getting mentally prepared for a 16 year old boys mentality. With five year olds I can ask them to spell dog and while they are spelling they tend to look everywhere and I am able to capture true expressions … with a 16 year old – what am I going to ask them to spell??

Austin was such a great sport and I am so impressed with his maturity for such a young age. Payton with those beautiful brown eyes and perfect freckles was so comfortable in front of the camera and I don’t think there was one photo where there was not a smile in it.

Thanks Kristi for trusting in me to capture their relationship! You and Kurt are blessed!

How lucky am I to have such a sweet baby to practice on. Unfortunately I don’t think he feels the same way.

Starting this business has me in constant search of what I think is beautiful. More times than not it is a photograph of  someone elses perspective and love for life. The skies I saw this week were so filled with their own vibrant life that I had to post them. The Sunset sky  was captured on the way home from a photoshoot after a very cloudy day…. I was so close to calling the mom to meet me in a field with the kids – to see what we could get…but I thought she would think I was nuts. Next time I think I won’t care and will call. The Silhouette shot  I could have gotten would have been breathtaking.

Ok – I will own it – I have become quite obsessed with my  photography. I have had so much to learn in such a small amount of time…In 3 months I have learned Manual shooting, Lighting, Lenses, non-posed poses, Lightroom program, Photoshop, how to start a  blog,   I have even had to learn how to breathe differently when shooting… since I am a lifestyle photojournalist – I can’t have a tri-pod with me and my heart has broken many a times as beautiful shots are lost due to blur from camera shake.

Anyway  As I was driving around the other day chatting away with my dear friend Helen – I drove past some kids that were feeding some horses. I pulled over and started to watch them.. and thats when I knew I had to jump out of the car and if their moms allowed me to – I would snap their pics. It was a very bright day with zero shade… but I knew I could get something good… even one shot would have been worth it. So with the mom’s approval I started snapping….

I think I got more then one – What do you think?

So why is it with every New Year we ask ourselves what we want to change about our lives in the new year. Maybe you want to become more organized, more patient with your kids, earn more money, loose 10 lbs… gain 10 lbs (ok – I have never had that resolution…but I am sure someone out there in cyber land has) … my point is why must we wait until 12:01 AM on the first day of the year to try and become better people.

I have learned over the last few years that life can change in an instant.. My son was born… Doctor walks in the NICU and  BAM – he has a bleeding disorder.  My Mother-in-law is healthy  and visiting us in California ..”ring, Ring” and…BAM – she has Bone Cancer. My point in why do we wait for those times to  truly appreciate how fortunate we are or even  worse, wait until you hear of someone elses horrible luck to appreciate our own good luck. Life can challenge you in a way that makes you not care about that 10 lbs, or can make you hold onto your children a little harder. … or maybe make you realize that  being a little disorganized isn’t the end of the world. My point is ..Love those days where there are no BAMS.  Yes – you can still lose that ten lbs…. but that ten lbs. should not define what will make you happy in 2011. . true  ” in your soul” happiness is just a state of being. So in 2011 – I hope to just “be” .